Category Archives: Dating

COMPUTER DATING(poem)

Computer Dating

Ready to undress your soul

Inverted risk of emotions

In a digital melting role

Journey of the heart

Machine driven courtship

Marquee of personal smarts

Traits ranked like a wine

Pairs you based on score

No matter its malign

Curve your image to perfection

House of inventive intensions

Breathless for a mirror reflection

Meet with expectations galore

Arrival of incognito

As I fall and bounce on amour

©Lee Johnson

Sex in Retirement

Some may feel that sex in retirement is an oxymoron. It may seem natural that sex declines with age since men lose testosterone while women lose estrogen. This natural occurrence often results in a loss of libido or sexual desire that may effect other areas of your life.

The larger problem here is not just loss of intercourse, but also the loss of the important feelings of intimacy, affection, and love.   Some women feel less inhibited since they can’t get pregnant at this stage. However, others must deal with symptoms of menopause that might interfere with their enjoyment in the bedroom.

If you are considering skipping sex in retirement, let me remind you of the benefits. Mood and self-esteem are elevated due production of endorphins. Your blood pressure, stress and sleep are all improved. It is highly correlated with your happiness and sense of well being in life. You burn calories and look younger. Studies show that sex causes collagen production. Groups of people asked to estimate age found that those who had regular sex looked seven years younger on average. Sex improves your health and makes you look younger!

Because this stage is characterized by a loss of interest in sex, both parties can surrender to this urge to forget sex, or both parties can show effort to keep it in their lives. The bottom line may be how important this level of closeness is to you personally. Most of us will feel that intimacy , love and sex cannot be discounted and is characteristic of a healthy relationship and an enjoyable life.

What to do: Rather than possibly lose your relationship or deciding to stay single the rest of your life, you can you do something about loss of desire? There are treatment options that you can discuss with your doctor. Estrogen hormone therapy may be appropriate for some, while Viagra for women is available. Viagra (and Calais) for women are intended to increase blood flow to the pubic area. Consumer reviews of Viagra from women are still forthcoming, so as a newer medication, time and success of usage will determine its popularity. Hormonal replacement patches that release testosterone have also benefited many women.

Whether you decide to try the above supplements or not, first be sure you are physically healthy. We all need to take care of our medical issues, meaning we don’t smoke, we exercise, and are generally healthy. The next focus for restoring interest in sex is arousal. Making love may be physical, but we all know arousal begins in the mind. This means we must first re-connect with arousal neural pathways in the brain.

To accomplish this, I suggest retro experiences to trigger prior arousal responses. For example, the goal is to have fun recreating that romantic evening with candlelight, soft music, vintage wine, gourmet food, a sexy outfit, and the man of your choice. The thoughts and visualizations that aroused you in the past should arouse you again. Self-awareness of all the little details that go into your experience is key to renewing that arousal.

In addition, an active fantasy life is considered healthy. I hope you are open to playfulness and experimentation in the bedroom as part of your continued pursuit of healthy social and physical involvements.     L. Johnson   More details in: www.creativeretirementforwomen.com

ONLINE DATING IN RETIREMENT

ONLINE DATING IN RETIREMENT

This part of dating in retirement is about the online experience.  Some say about 20% to 25% of all relationships start online. I’m sure this figure is higher for the retired because we spend more time at home and have fewer social engagements. But, is this a good idea for women?

Let’s examine the pros and cons as to why this is becoming so popular. Lets start with the PROS:

1. KNOWLEDGE: You know something about the person before any contact is made. It’s an enlightening experience to read about a person’s interests and traits before you meet them. This information instantly gives both parties something in common to talk about.
2. EFFICIENCY: You waste less time. Picking from a list of interested people is far better than trying to figure out who might be interested.
3. CONVENIENCE: You never leave the comfort of your home until you are ready. The days of going to places just because men are there are over.
4. EQUALITY: You can contact whom you want rather than wait to be contacted. The archaic system of only the men starting the conversation or asking the women out is over.
5. SOCIAL: Its social networking. It’s not all about romance as many people end up being friends. Many people are online to meet platonic or activity partners
6. COST EFFECTIVE: Many of the online sites are free. Frankly, I can’t see much difference between them and the paid ones. One might think that the paid sites have more affluent people. This could be true, but I find there is a wide range of socioeconomic status on all sites.
7. MORE CONTROL: Some of us are bothered by getting propositioned by undesirables when we are out. If this happens online, you just delete the message from the privacy of your home.
8. SAFETY: You don’t have to give out your name or number until ready and I recommend you do an online background search on someone before you go out.

One woman complained that she doesn’t want her personal information “out there” on the Internet. Well, you are only offering general information about yourself with, just an optional photo. Your name, phone and address are not listed, of course. You will need a password to access your account. So, I suppose there is some risk if someone hacks the website and copies your ad to You Tube, but its entrainment value is very low, and there is no payoff for the hacker.

THE CONS:

1. MISREPRESENTATION: By far the most common complaint is insincerity or lying to make themselves look better. Men can be married or multiple daters. Of course, this happens off line too, but when you are anonymous it’s easier to be deceptive. So, you ask a lot of questions and do a background check.
2. RECOGNITION: Someone you know may recognize you online. This is not a problem if you tell people you are looking.

3. RUDENESS Some men can be curt or suggestive. Some are going to say dumb things. Rather than get annoyed with this, it’s so easy to just delete them and move on. If they get really out of line, you complain and get them removed from the site.
4. CONFUSION: Dating too many people at once can be confusing for some. This is more likely to happen online than off.  If anybody has more to add, please let me know.

If you decide to give online dating a try, you will be asked to summarize yourself. Creating a “profile” gives some people pause, but a well-thought-out summary attracts the right person. Some websites have questionnaires to help match people with similar answers. They attempt to match your interests and your personality traits.

You’re encouraged to add photos to your ad if you want to get more responses. This is important because you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. People look at your photo first and must find it acceptable before they read your profile. It’s important to put your best foot forward without exaggeration. If your date catches you misrepresenting yourself, it’s generally a deal breaker.

Once you have an online ad, expect to receive emails from people tying to find out if you have enough in common. You will progress to a phone conversation, then to a coffee or lunch date, when ready. You’ll usually know after the first date if you want to continue. Just like any other dating, you need to meet many people before you meet the right person. This may be your last romantic relationship, so taking time to choose correctly is important.

Common Sense Conclusion: More seniors are dating in their retirement years, and are more likely to use Internet platforms for meeting their next partner.

FROM:    www.creativeretirementforwomen.com

Dating in Retirement

DATING IN RETIREMENT (Part 1)

Our need to emotionally bond does not change with aging as some have suggested. We will evaluate for different character traits when dating in retirement. But, the course of romance remains the same. I have talked to many women who, for various reasons, have given up on trying to find another mate. Some women don’t feel attractive or interested in men anymore, and some say they don’t want the trouble of a man. I can understand these reasons very well.

My sister is 58 years old and has been divorced for about 12 years now. But, she won’t date. She finally told me she just lost interest in sex. I know she wants companionship as she has a male friend whom she see every weekend. So, the need to bond with the opposite gender remains healthy and intact. She was a little surprised when I mention that males loose testosterone as their sex drive diminishes too. But, that still didn’t get her to date as she said, “Who wants to date an old lady like me?”

Maintaining a positive self image is important at any stage in life. As our bodies change, its common for both genders to be concerned about our self-confidence. But, we have all been rejected numerous times in life and we survived it. Remember not to let a prior difficult relationship cloud your judgment about moving forward to a better one. It’s probably the men who are more prone to being rejected since they initiate contact and ask for a date.

I checked with my female consultants who confirmed a few suggestions regarding confidence. The first is to always look your best. Men are very visual beings, as we all know, and they often go with first impressions. That means they take your entire appearance into consideration. Since looking attractive is important, dying your hair and wearing stylish attire are efforts you can easily make according to my group.

The second suggestion is to look available and, if you’re comfortable with the idea, even sexy. Many of us have lost our connection to intimacy. But, it’s time to reconnect. If you think you can’t look attractive over 60 years old, have you seen photos of Connie Stevens, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, Tina Turner, Gladys Knight, Glenn Close, Goldie Hawn or Martha Stewart lately? Just being healthy is attractive at any age.

The third suggestion we all agreed upon is to try online dating. If your social circle is smaller in retirement, you need to be a bit more creative. Online dating narrows the field to people who are interested in a relationship and you don’t have to leave the house. It gives you the opportunity to browse the profiles of others anonymously. In this scenario, there is certainly no risk to you as you evaluate the possibilities in the safety of your home. I seen some reports that say up to 25% of new relationships are found online.

The fourth recommendation is the importance of displaying a positive attitude. No matter what happened in the past, we will make the future brighter. I personally like to use positive affirmations and imagery. Before I meet somebody for any reason, I close my eyes and visualize how the meeting will go. If it’s business, I envision a successful agreement. If it’s personal, I expect a successful connection. It’s amazing how behavior follows mental imagery. I started using guided imagery after reading Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain.

If there is still resistance to dating at our age, I sometimes ask the question, “Do you want to grow old and die alone?” It’s a blunt somewhat rhetorical question meant to be provocative. But, it gets people thinking more practically about the future of their social health. I would say that having a partner in retirement is more important than in midlife, since this relationship becomes the primary social support for many. Most of us will have medical procedures that require some help during recovery. Imagine if you became disabled for some reason, what would that be like without a partner who loves you?

In the next installment of Dating in Retirement, I’ll address the impact of reduced libido and the different character traits we now look for in a partner. L.J.

More at:      www.creativeretirementforwomen.com

Photo by Ambro. Published on 11 May 2011
Stock Photo – Image ID: 10041092

TRAITS OF A LONG & HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

Do you want to know the secret of a long and happy relationship? There is an excellent study of adult development that examined people continuously for six to eight decades.  This Aging Well(1)study focused on three groups. First is sample of 268 socially advantaged Harvard grads born around 1920. The second group is 456 inner city men born around 1930. The third group is 682 middle-class intellectually gifted women born around 1910. The study involved eight initial in-depth psychiatric interviews to establish a baseline. The follow-up study involved interviews with them, their parents and teachers to get more objective information. Most of subjects were then followed continuously until they passed away.

I won’t bore you with all the statistics, but the task of generativity was the best predictor of an enduring and happy marriage in old age. Generativity is basically how involved we have been as parents. We generate and raise our children with a varying degree of involvement. The top four traits from the study for a long and happy marriage are generativity, commitment, tolerance and humor.

Generativity is a measure of our caretaker abilities extended into the adult relationship. The skills we use in child rearing certainly include dedicated care-taking, especially when children are young. We make a long-term commitment to our children as a matter of course, and we all know how much tolerance we need when they become adolescents. Humor is a good coping mechanism that helps relieve stress and lighten the intensity of the situation.

Good care-taking starts with an attitude of embracing the importance of relationships in general. Those who had a positive and supportive role model from their parents tend to emulate those behaviors when they become parents. But, those who did not develop basic trust with their primary caretaker tend not to be good caretakers themselves.

Relationship skills learned in childhood are usually transferred to marriage and other emotional relationships as well. The study may suggest that if your partner was not involved with child-rearing, did not bond in childhood, or is not involved in a care-taking role at work, he may not be involved with the care-taking demands of your relationship going forward.

If you do have a partner who wavers on these skills and you want to keep the relationship intact, you might consider adding care-taker development goals. These skills can be learned, of course, as long as there is motivation. If you are single and content to stay that way, you probably want your most reliable friends to have these skills.               

L.  Johnson of www.creativeretirementforwomen.com

(1) Vaillant, G. “Aging Well” New York: Little, Brown & Co. 2002. p.113, 123.